Lately it seems like every day becomes a rabbit hole. Deep and dark and lined with some shiny new opportunity to make new mistakes. Like I need to make any new mistakes. Damn. These last few weeks have been chalked full of them..
I don’t know what happened here. In the last 3 or 4 days while I’ve been trapped down the Rabbit Hole it looks to me like the whole world has come undone.. My home of homes has been immersed in undue chaos and it’s making me uncomfortable.. Ugh.
Somehow I’m expected to get past all thats happened on my own, inside my head or some shit. It leaves me wondering who my people are and where that’ll be when the darkness really comes to take me over..
Here I sit in the semi-light, alone but not alone, with pretty words like “vaginal trauma” and “sexual assault” sliding lazily through my head, and I can’t help wondering if I didn’t play my part in it all..
The way the whole thing went down.. did I ever say stop? It could have all been in my head for all I kow…. Any real protest, big or small, would have had to fight its way out of me. It’s my truth and I know this..
The Boogeyman taught me silence while I was still young enough to hold onto it, and in all my years I have yet to find the voice that reigns that part of me.. although I’ve tried.
So here I am, trying to listen like a child listens after it’s been beaten, when that child knows a lesson should be learned. It seems that God has been whispering softly to me for some time and I just cannot hear Him.
I have high hopes that I’ll find some great reason somewhere in the sound that He makes with the wind, but how in the hell should I know? Really….
I’m just trying to get past all that’s happened on my own, in my head or some shit..