Screw It

You know, I used to sit around and dream about what my life would be like when I finally got where I was going.. What marriage and children and living would be all about.. I think most little girls are just like that, I guess.. but who knows? Not me, that’s for damn sure. I don’t rightly know much about anything nowadays, and I’m having a hard enough time working out my own dreams to stop and think seriously about anyone else’s.

Shitty, but it is what it is.

A year ago I’d have probably wondered if that last statement made me an asshole or not, but today I just really don’t care. Now that makes me an asshole.

O freaking well.

Nowadays I sit around and dream about what my life will be like when I finally get where I’m going.. When my kids are all grown and the man that I’ve stood by has gone..

Will it all come together somewhere down that invisible line we spend most of our lives toeing in an effort to live long and prosper?

Again, who even knows?

I just want to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted really.. Someone to spend my old lady years with; who will love me and maybe not laugh at my jokes, but take notice of me in any case.. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of walking on eggshells when I should be dancing on air. I’m tired of being alone..

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Unsent Letters • 10.09.2018

My Love,

It’s almost 9PM and you still haven’t gotten home from work. You left so early, you must be all but worn through.. I don’t often give you near enough credit for the work you put in for this family (I’m not sure I ever have).

I’ve been looking through old boxes and old memories and whatnot. You know.. just reading back through stuff I wrote ’cause I was too scared to say it out loud.. How I felt and what I thought and my opinions about you and who you are.. 

There’s so much love and so much anger and my God, there’s so much hurt locked up in there! – it makes me kinda glad you haven’t ever wanted to read them..

I’ve realized though that I don’t say thank you enough. Thank you for no other reason than just being yourself. I don’t stop to tell you how amazingly proud you’ve made me over the years. I’ve not yet spoken aloud about the many ways you’ve made my whole world better, for the simple fact of having you in it.. because you do…

I sure as hell don’t say I’m sorry without adding in a ‘but’, although in my defense you don’t say it at all.. 

Always, when a few well spoken words might be enough, you will choose silence. You’ve kept your silence even when I’ve all but begged to hear your voice.. though I’m not begging anymore.

In the end, it won’t be some great big distance that separates us, it will be all the silence living right here between us.

I love you anyway..

I could use a good challenge…

• Describe a moment from today that you would like to remember always •

Challenge chosen at random..

Miss Gracie fell asleep in the back of my car while driving home from New Orleans this afternoon. I can’t honestly come up with a handful of times when that’s happened..

I turned around to put my jacket underneath her sleepy head and she stirred and smiled at me just like an angel..

With her eyes at half mast beneath a halo of hair, she all but glowed in a humidity that could only have been born in the South.

She looked so peaceful.

And content.

And I felt my heart swelling within me..

I think..?

There are far better days ahead than those we leave behind us. – C. S. Lewis

* * * *

In recent months, after a couple of really long years – years spent being summarily dismissed and ignored – I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely possible to love another person without liking them even a little..

This, as a whole, makes horribly sad on so many levels that it’s almost indescribable. As I’ve heard it said, I can’t believe my knight in shining armor turned out to be such an asshole.. No, the saying actually refers to a retard in tin foil, but you get my drift..

I mean, what the Hell happened? Where did he go to, and Please Lord, WHY??

Did I do something wrong? Because , well, not to be super obvious, but if he’d just freaking tell me, then I’d know..

It’s like I’ve dropped the proverbial ball and now I’m being punished for some bad decision I can’t remember making somewhere down the line. How am I supposed to fix that? Ummmmm…. I’m not.

But I would if I could..

Sadly, I must be a glutton for punishment ’cause I’m still here.

✨”So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” — Stephen Chbosky✨

Life over here

Life is short. Too short, really…  Filled with fleeting and precious moments that often dazzle and disappear before your eyes can fully adjust to their glow. It’s not fair, really. Not if you sit down and think about it. All the struggles and triumphs. All the good times and the bad.. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re all just trudging through our days while doing everything we can to keep our lives straight. And most of us are failing. Sad, isn’t it? that in this day and age,  an age that ought to be filled with truly endless possibility, we tend to spend our time on bitching and not blessing..  What a waste.

Maybe 

it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for a new way of thinking and doing and living this life. I don’t know what to think or expect from myself but I’m willing..