I don’t know anymore… I don’t think I am strong enough… I think I’ve died just a little and now I have to breathe the little strength I have left into whatever comes next…
But I cant.
I just can’t seem to make myself do what needs to be done now.
I don’t want to untangle your life from my own. I don’t want to wake up without you every morning. Or go to bed without the feel of you there. I don’t want to see you out somewhere and have you ignore me.. but you will..
I don’t want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce. And while I guess you’re probably right, I went looking for something. I’m not sure what that is just yet, but I can promise you this – I wasn’t looking to get lost, My Love, I was looking to get noticed.
Today, like so many other days, I spent a few too many moments thinking of you. Wondering instead of asking if you and I were on the same page. I do that a lot, you know. Too much, I imagine..
But hey, it is what it is.
I guess after having had so much time left on my own with my thoughts I’ve just stopped talking when I’m feeling insecure.. I’m surprised sometimes at how long it took me to get to this point, but I’m here now.
And so I write.
Maybe a month ago I stood here in my kitchen with one of our girls; we were talking about a boy and how he made her feel. I told my daughter that one of the biggest mistakes she could possibly make was to allow herself to be half-loved. Especially by herself. . I told her, and I meant it, that she already knew.. that in her heart of hearts the answer would be there.
I reckon I ought to actually take my own advice now and again. Not that I honestly believe it will matter in the long run.. I am nearing the conclusion that I’m simply not worth more than I’ve been given. Maybe as people, we’re given predetermined life-blessings (or something?) and I used mine all up in younger years…
Aside from the moments that torment me now, I have always been blessed with a happiness that came from my own self somehow… if that makes any sense. I didn’t really need anyone or anything else to make the sun rise every day.. it was within me.
I wish I knew where it went..
Well, I think I’m gonna have to leave these thoughts somewhat unfinished. I can’t remember anymore where I was going with them now.. and so I’m done, just for today..
(Finished March 12, 2019)
Disclaimer : I’ve been going through it lately. This is my place to vent out what’s been left here to poison my soul..
It’s almost midnight already; you’ve been asleep for a few – I wish I could fall asleep as fast as you can. As always, sleep eludes me and I’m laying in bed with my thoughts.
Things have been a little easier between us this week. I’m not sure why, but I am grateful for the repreave. Our day to day lives have grown exhausting throughout this past year and I am tired.. The struggle to remain here has become more than I can do nowadays, and I kinda feel like maybe I’m starting to get over it..
It’s just that a good week with you can leave me hoping for more, but I’m scared it won’t last very long.
Nothing good lasts forever anymore. Not like it should…
I have an Aunt and Uncle, (they’re actually my Mom’s aunt and uncle, but you’ve met them) who’ve been together some 67 years (or close to it). They found each other as teenagers, married young and went on to live a lifetime raising children and falling in love with each other again and again. It’s beautiful. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be loved like that, but I’ll bet it’s kinda wonderful.
I used to believe we’d have a story like that; one filled with laughter and kisses and that something the world would remember us by.
Maybe we will. I wish I had faith to move mountains, but I just don’t anymore. It’s so sad..
Sooo… what’s her name?
I’m not, contrary to popular belief, a total imbecile. I KNOW you. Something is wrong.. off.. I can’t put my finger on it, but I would swear on a stack of bibles that there’s something I don’t know. There’s gotta be..
In the better part of a decade I have never felt so small. Not like I have over the days of this past year. And I really, really dislike it…
If I live to be 100, I will never understand all of the “bullshit he was talking” that’s happened between us.. I absolutely canNOT win with you anymore..
Maybe there isn’t a somebody else, maybe you’re just done with me.. but at least I would have something to go by when I started to wonder..
I miss you all the time..
It’s almost 9PM and you still haven’t gotten home from work. You left so early, you must be all but worn through.. I don’t often give you near enough credit for the work you put in for this family (I’m not sure I ever have).
I’ve been looking through old boxes and old memories and whatnot. You know.. just reading back through stuff I wrote ’cause I was too scared to say it out loud.. How I felt and what I thought and my opinions about you and who you are..
There’s so much love and so much anger and my God, there’s so much hurt locked up in there! – it makes me kinda glad you haven’t ever wanted to read them..
I’ve realized though that I don’t say thank you enough. Thank you for no other reason than just being yourself. I don’t stop to tell you how amazingly proud you’ve made me over the years. I’ve not yet spoken aloud about the many ways you’ve made my whole world better, for the simple fact of having you in it.. because you do…
I sure as hell don’t say I’m sorry without adding in a ‘but’, although in my defense you don’t say it at all..
Always, when a few well spoken words might be enough, you will choose silence. You’ve kept your silence even when I’ve all but begged to hear your voice.. though I’m not begging anymore.
In the end, it won’t be some great big distance that separates us, it will be all the silence living right here between us.
I love you anyway..
Stacks of nothing fill the room from wall to wall… Little things of no consequence that probably haven’t been seen in far too long. The sweet nothings of our years that make life worth it.
I’ve been trying so hard to get back to you, Love.. Back from a nonsense unlike any I’ve seen.. and I’ve seen it all..
Somehow or another, I have got to get my world to right itself or I’ll get lost here. And I’m trying.. I really am, but it’s just not happening for me and I don’t know what to do.
I feel so stuck…