Talk to me

Should we talk about the weather, or the storm clouds in your eyes? Should we talk about the way you make me feel deep down inside? I think that maybe we should talk about where we want this to go, ’cause if we aren’t on the same page I would kinda like to know.. Or maybe we can sit and talk about the way it used to be, when all I had to do was breathe and you saw nothing else but me. I never really had to try for you, ’cause things were just that way.. but nowadays I’d like to smile and have you not turn away. I can’t pretend I understand it, but I’ve seen this road before.. the place it takes me leaves me hopeless and more broken than before..


Thinking Out LoudĀ 

Sometimes I wish I’d done more with my life. 

You know what I mean.. Here I am, with the big 4-0 sitting just around the corner, and,  if it weren’t for my role in raising some extraordinary kids, I wouldn’t have lived. 

Don’t get me wrong, my life hasn’t been bad, I just had so many dreams. I really thought I would be someplace else by this point. I’m a mom. And a wife. And not too much more. Sometimes that’s enough, and sometimes I find myself wanting. What? I’m not sure, but I think I’ll know when I get there. 

My mom was diagnosed with cancer back in my tween years. She always did the best that she could for me but she wasn’t really there all that much. By fifteen I’d already bounced around a good bit, staying with one friend or another so she could undergo chemo without having to worry about me. I thought it was great at the time . What teenager wouldn’t love spending months at a time sleeping over at a friends? I didn’t have to go to school or get a job or pay any bills so I pretty much did whatever I wanted. Yeah, I could have moved in with my dad but he was remarried and already had a family. Besides, I wouldn’t have had so much fun. I often wonder how my life would have been if I’d chosen differently.  

As I said before, my mom is amazing. She loves me and has always been my best friend. It was a little rough there for a while but I turned out just fine. In saying that, let me say this as well.. I wish someone had taken the time to teach me the little things. Things like brushing my teeth and washing my dishes and balancing a checkbook and remembering when the bills are due (and that I have them in the first place). All in all I reckon I did ok. I’m still breathing and have all my toes and can pass both a background and credit check, but it took me a hell of a long time to figure it all out. 

In many many ways I will always be somewhat grateful for having been shoved down the hard road when I was young. I made a LOT of mistakes and I learned from them all and I have a few stories to tell. Maybe one of these days I’ll go try something new, or take a spontaneous vacation or cut all my hair off really short. Maybe I’ll finish the book I’ve been trying to write for the last fifteen years and make a million dollars. 

Who knows?

I started writing this post as I was making my coffee this morning. Reading back through it I would imagine I’d been dreaming of another life, if you will. But tonight, before publishing I think I’ll close out with this.. 

Nothing ever turns out like we think it’s going to. Whether it be for better or worse or just different. And while no, I’m not a famous author and I’ve yet to travel the world, I am blessed beyond measure. I’ve realized every person’s dream to grow up and be loved unconditionally; to be a wonderful parent with wonderful children; to be happy and healthy and thankful for what I’ve been given in this life.

I think maybe I took the right path after all.