Unsent Letters • 05.19.2019

I have this memory of you, in the dark with your head on my chest at 2 in the morning.. the weight of your head.. the warmth of your tears.. that feeling of insecurity with regard to where we stood, both in life and in line.. In nine years I can’t remember seeing you so vulnerable; not one time. It was only a moment, but I think if I could go back I’d react differently now than i did then. I miss you so much.. 😔
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Remnants

It would seem to me lately, that the remnants of my dreams are being somehow left behind. And I keep finding all these tiny little things I’ve never really cared enough about scattered on the ground beneath my feet, like breadcrumbs.

Well I care now.

April 10, 2019

SHARE YOUR WORLD

Questions –

• What does a good relationship look like to you?

Having love and trust and, during times of happiness or conflict, a best friend.

• If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for?

Probably crying. Or cleaning. I’m pretty good at that too.

• What do you wish you knew more about?

At this point in my life, I’d have to say The Bible.

• What is better in your opinion – asking for forgiveness or permission?

I’m not sure there’s really a good answer for this. Both suck.

• What’s the best thing about your life right now?

Right now I’d have to say that the best thing my life has got going is hope. For the first time in a decade there is honest to God hope that my little girl will finally walk.

Unsent Letters • 03.09.2019

My Love,

Today, like so many other days, I spent a few too many moments thinking of you. Wondering instead of asking if you and I were on the same page. I do that a lot, you know. Too much, I imagine..

But hey, it is what it is.

I guess after having had so much time left on my own with my thoughts I’ve just stopped talking when I’m feeling insecure.. I’m surprised sometimes at how long it took me to get to this point, but I’m here now.

And so I write.

Maybe a month ago I stood here in my kitchen with one of our girls; we were talking about a boy and how he made her feel. I told my daughter that one of the biggest mistakes she could possibly make was to allow herself to be half-loved. Especially by herself. . I told her, and I meant it, that she already knew.. that in her heart of hearts the answer would be there.

I reckon I ought to actually take my own advice now and again. Not that I honestly believe it will matter in the long run.. I am nearing the conclusion that I’m simply not worth more than I’ve been given. Maybe as people, we’re given predetermined life-blessings (or something?) and I used mine all up in younger years…

Aside from the moments that torment me now, I have always been blessed with a happiness that came from my own self somehow… if that makes any sense. I didn’t really need anyone or anything else to make the sun rise every day.. it was within me.

I wish I knew where it went..

Well, I think I’m gonna have to leave these thoughts somewhat unfinished. I can’t remember anymore where I was going with them now.. and so I’m done, just for today..

– A

(Finished March 12, 2019)