An Uncloudy Day…

There’s just something that grips me. Gazing up from the world at these Mississippi skies I feel at home..

Prayers for Patience 

What can I do 

When I feel overwhelmed?

Pray for strength. 

What can I do 

When I feel all alone?

Pray for comfort. 

What can I do 

When it feels like I’m going insane?

Pray for patience. 

What do I do 

When I’m too weak to stand?

I kneel. 

Echoes Of The Past..

I was a twin. I am a twin. Even if I don’t remember her and all I’ll ever know will come from stories and pictures and family members, I am still a twin. 

I was born first. Half a pound heavier, half an inch longer and older by a whole minute. Not that anyone would ever be able to see the difference. We were mirror image twins, my mom always said. She had us wear special id bracelets to make it easier to tell us apart. Crazy. I’ve met my fair share of twins and there’s always something, even if it’s a little thing, that makes them different from each other. 

Mom says our differences were our personalities. She was quiet and I’m not. Still true, by the way. I don’t have any real memories of her, so I couldn’t honestly tell you. 

She had a fever on night, one that came out of nowhere, and she went to the E.R. I never saw her again.

Thirteen hours later she passed away. No sickness. No warning. No goodbye. 

I turned five six weeks later.

I’ve heard many many things about the months that followed after. I didn’t go to the hospital and I wasn’t taken to her funeral, although I’m told there were hundreds of people there to mourn her and that her graveside service spanned almost a quarter of the cemetery where she’s buried – it’s an enormous cemetery..

My dad told me that I asked him once why they had to cut her up.. describing an autopsy with uncanny accuracy, as if I’d been there watching. That I would often complain of a pounding in my head, that she was angry and I could feel her. We had that unimaginable connection twins are known to have. Even in death, so it seemed. I’m told it was an odd thing to witness.

My mom says after a while I then had to learn to live again. I’d never done anything alone before. Sleep, swim, write, use the bathroom.. I’d never been a whole person until that point.

There are lots of them, these stories. They’re like pictures I’ve only seen negatives of. Distorted and hard to make out.

But they’re just stories. Someone else’s memories. I know them all by heart and can tell them like they’re my own, but they’re not.

It’s been thirty-two years since we lost her. My mom still cries like it was yesterday and dad doesn’t bring it up until someone else does.

But there are echoes.. Echoes that can still be heard if you listen close enough. Like the ripples in a pond that get bigger as they get farther away until they’ve touched everything that they can.

Kelli was born to make ripples through the world. She was loved by so many and not likely to be forgotten any time soon. She left us something when she went, and it still lives somewhere within me. I can see it in my mind and I can see it in my girls. It’s a beautiful thing..


<a href=””>The Things We Leave Behind</a>

Thinking Out Loud 

Sometimes I wish I’d done more with my life. 

You know what I mean.. Here I am, with the big 4-0 sitting just around the corner, and,  if it weren’t for my role in raising some extraordinary kids, I wouldn’t have lived. 

Don’t get me wrong, my life hasn’t been bad, I just had so many dreams. I really thought I would be someplace else by this point. I’m a mom. And a wife. And not too much more. Sometimes that’s enough, and sometimes I find myself wanting. What? I’m not sure, but I think I’ll know when I get there. 

My mom was diagnosed with cancer back in my tween years. She always did the best that she could for me but she wasn’t really there all that much. By fifteen I’d already bounced around a good bit, staying with one friend or another so she could undergo chemo without having to worry about me. I thought it was great at the time . What teenager wouldn’t love spending months at a time sleeping over at a friends? I didn’t have to go to school or get a job or pay any bills so I pretty much did whatever I wanted. Yeah, I could have moved in with my dad but he was remarried and already had a family. Besides, I wouldn’t have had so much fun. I often wonder how my life would have been if I’d chosen differently.  

As I said before, my mom is amazing. She loves me and has always been my best friend. It was a little rough there for a while but I turned out just fine. In saying that, let me say this as well.. I wish someone had taken the time to teach me the little things. Things like brushing my teeth and washing my dishes and balancing a checkbook and remembering when the bills are due (and that I have them in the first place). All in all I reckon I did ok. I’m still breathing and have all my toes and can pass both a background and credit check, but it took me a hell of a long time to figure it all out. 

In many many ways I will always be somewhat grateful for having been shoved down the hard road when I was young. I made a LOT of mistakes and I learned from them all and I have a few stories to tell. Maybe one of these days I’ll go try something new, or take a spontaneous vacation or cut all my hair off really short. Maybe I’ll finish the book I’ve been trying to write for the last fifteen years and make a million dollars. 

Who knows?

I started writing this post as I was making my coffee this morning. Reading back through it I would imagine I’d been dreaming of another life, if you will. But tonight, before publishing I think I’ll close out with this.. 

Nothing ever turns out like we think it’s going to. Whether it be for better or worse or just different. And while no, I’m not a famous author and I’ve yet to travel the world, I am blessed beyond measure. I’ve realized every person’s dream to grow up and be loved unconditionally; to be a wonderful parent with wonderful children; to be happy and healthy and thankful for what I’ve been given in this life.

I think maybe I took the right path after all.