Fact

I’m too old for this shit.

Too.

Damn.

Old.

And I’m over it.

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Haven’s day

It’s Kelli day. Today marks 36 years since I lost my twin, and it’ll always be Kelli day for me..

But…

THIS Kelli day will be special.. As I try and find the words for how amazing it will be, the world around me is preparing for the birth of our first grand baby, Miss Haven Austyn Howell.

It’s like the world has been holding its breath while we all wait to meet her, and I look forward to seeing how very blessed we will be just to love her.

So while it will still be Kelli day next year and the year after, today will now be little Haven’s day as well. What a blessing..

Maybe we will smile instead of cry.. ❤️

Unsent Letters • 12.14.2018

My Love,

I swear I’ll never understand…

I know I said I wouldn’t write anymore letters but I have no other way to get it out.. The love we have today leaves me so utterly confused that I’ve not got very little choice but to write something. If I don’t try and work things out inside my head I’ll just go crazy.. 

And that’s not fun.

At all.

For anyone…

You don’t see that we’ve gone wrong so you won’t try to make us better and I can’t. Not by myself. I don’t know how (believe me, if I did, we wouldn’t be where we are now) but I know that I’m not ready to stop trying.. I’m not ready to stop crying in frustration; I’m not ready to stop the hurt..  Stupid, I know, but it is what it is.. I’m not ready to give up. Period. 

I don’t think you are either..

I mean, we’re still here aren’t we? We’re still fighting each other for something. If it didn’t matter I don’t think it would hurt like it does.. 

Anyway, I really really need to sleep a little more. I just got up to pee and got caught watching you dream.. 

Maybe you’re thinking about me too…..

Always, 

A

What Comes Next

So I left. I did. I hugged my kids and packed my car and walked out. Holy SHIT. I’m not often so irrationally compulsive, but for whatever reason, when he popped off at me for no reason I decided that I just couldn’t do it anymore. There wasn’t a chance in Hell I was going to stand there and take another second of some bullshit that I didn’t earn.

Nope. Not happening.

But ummm… what am I supposed to do now?

I don’t know, but I guess I’m about to find out. This should be fun.

Unsent Letters • 10.20.2018

I am dating this letter because it might be a minute before it gets posted and Im not sure when it will be finished..

My Love,

I believe this will be the last letter I write.

No more greeting cards or post-its or sweet nothings scribbled quickly into a piece of scrap paper left laying around the house for you to find and pick up but not acknowledge. Why keep pouring myself on the ground so I can keep getting stepped on? I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt, and I’m tired of being angry.

If you don’t care, then why should I?

You’re a good man, Dratton. You’ve been a good husband and a good provider and a good father when you have chosen to be, but you haven’t been a very good friend.. Not to me, anyway.. and you have no desire to become one, though you should. I mean, Hell, you promised. You stood there next to me in front of God and all of His people and you promised to be my Person.

Simply put, you lied. Obviously, hopefully, not a purposeful thing, but the proof is in the every day living of our life.

To say these things and mean them honestly hurts me more than I care to admit. To say these things and know they’re true is breaking my heart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Just tell me.. what do I do? I’m not thinking very clearly and I’m not sure I can find my way back home… Hell, I’m lost even when I’m going the right way nowadays, and I’m scared.

Scared to keep going..

Scared to just quit..

Scared of everything..

Mostly though, I’m scared that I will make the wrong choice. There’s no going back and starting over with you.. You see everything as being so completely clear cut. It’s either black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.. So if and/or when I decide to jump off the proverbial cliff, I had better be sure.

And I’m not.

But hey, it’s all about choices, y’know? It’s taken me a lifetime to figure it out but I finally get it.

My choices are my own and I choose to be happy. Even if it means being happy alone.

I wish things weren’t so screwed up. I wish you knew how I felt and that it made a difference. We’re so busy playing house these days, there’s no time to get back to the here and now, but I’m trying. I really am.. and this shit is hard. Really hard..

I’d never imagined it would come to this and I’m horribly unprepared. I don’t know that I can be picked up off the floor and brushed off this time..

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. And I will love you tomorrow.

-A

😔

finished 10.27.2018

Not Whispers

Ok soooo… God isn’t whispering at me. He’s SHOUTING.

I wrecked my car today… barely…

Truth be told, it should have been a whole lot worse than it was. My car should have rolled over when it landed in that ditch.

Hell, I wasn’t even going all that fast. A very good friend lost her father today and had called in a moment of hysteria and asked if I could pick her little girl up from school. I looked down at my phone to check the time and hit a puddle.

It was that fast.

Suddenly my momma was trying to climb in my lap and she’s saying “I have to get out! I have to get out!”, because she’s afraid that if she settles back at all in her seat the car will roll.

I had to LITERALLY turn sideways and use both of my feet to get my door open.

We should have rolled.

But we didn’t..