See that?

….Do you see it?

That’s the man I married nearly ten totally-worth-it-years ago.. isn’t He fabulous? This is probably my favorite picture of all that I have of Him.. There aren’t many, really, that capture His light like this one does. It was always right there in the smile He usually wore just for me..

He turned 41 a couple of weeks ago. He probably went out and got tossed with His friends (or something jst as equally out of character), I don’t know.. I wasn’t invited.

Nobody made him a chocolate cake.

No one brought presents but me.

I still have to wonder if he had a decent day..

But He’s a stranger… A stranger I am really and truly not jumping up and down to get to know any better..not lately anyway.. I’d never even dreamed that He would become such an ass in His old age..

He is.

I mean, if I hadn’t been standing just beyond the lens of this picture, I would almost swear to Jesus He’d been practicing..

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Haven’s day

It’s Kelli day. Today marks 36 years since I lost my twin, and it’ll always be Kelli day for me..

But…

THIS Kelli day will be special.. As I try and find the words for how amazing it will be, the world around me is preparing for the birth of our first grand baby, Miss Haven Austyn Howell.

It’s like the world has been holding its breath while we all wait to meet her, and I look forward to seeing how very blessed we will be just to love her.

So while it will still be Kelli day next year and the year after, today will now be little Haven’s day as well. What a blessing..

Maybe we will smile instead of cry.. ❤️

No country for old men

Cooper, our 100lb bully.

He turned 7 this past September, though we’ve had him since he was about 10 weeks old. He’s a good boy, always has been.. I’d swear he was born crate trained and without an ugly bone in his giant body.

Last year he was hit by a car. Knocked him silly and tore his hip out of socket but he lived. Already in pain from a spinal fusion, we weren’t sure if he’d pull through it or not, but he did

Yesterday he took off with his female, Annabelle. I think every bit of trouble my Cooper has ever seen, he’s seen while trying his best to chase her tail..

LOL.

Annabelle was on the porch early this morning.

Cooper was not….

Unsent Letters • 12.14.2018

My Love,

I swear I’ll never understand…

I know I said I wouldn’t write anymore letters but I have no other way to get it out.. The love we have today leaves me so utterly confused that I’ve not got very little choice but to write something. If I don’t try and work things out inside my head I’ll just go crazy.. 

And that’s not fun.

At all.

For anyone…

You don’t see that we’ve gone wrong so you won’t try to make us better and I can’t. Not by myself. I don’t know how (believe me, if I did, we wouldn’t be where we are now) but I know that I’m not ready to stop trying.. I’m not ready to stop crying in frustration; I’m not ready to stop the hurt..  Stupid, I know, but it is what it is.. I’m not ready to give up. Period. 

I don’t think you are either..

I mean, we’re still here aren’t we? We’re still fighting each other for something. If it didn’t matter I don’t think it would hurt like it does.. 

Anyway, I really really need to sleep a little more. I just got up to pee and got caught watching you dream.. 

Maybe you’re thinking about me too…..

Always, 

A