What’s Happened

Lately it seems like every day becomes a rabbit hole. Deep and dark and lined with some shiny new opportunity to make new mistakes. Like I need to make any new mistakes. Damn. These last few weeks have been chalked full of them..

I don’t know what happened here. In the last 3 or 4 days while I’ve been trapped down the Rabbit Hole it looks to me like the whole world has come undone.. My home of homes has been immersed in undue chaos and it’s making me uncomfortable.. Ugh.

Somehow I’m expected to get past all thats happened on my own, inside my head or some shit. It leaves me wondering who my people are and where that’ll be when the darkness really comes to take me over..

Here I sit in the semi-light, alone but not alone, with pretty words like “vaginal trauma” and “sexual assault” sliding lazily through my head, and I can’t help wondering if I didn’t play my part in it all..

The way the whole thing went down.. did I ever say stop? It could have all been in my head for all I kow…. Any real protest, big or small, would have had to fight its way out of me. It’s my truth and I know this..

The Boogeyman taught me silence while I was still young enough to hold onto it, and in all my years I have yet to find the voice that reigns that part of me.. although I’ve tried.

So here I am, trying to listen like a child listens after it’s been beaten, when that child knows a lesson should be learned. It seems that God has been whispering softly to me for some time and I just cannot hear Him.

I have high hopes that I’ll find some great reason somewhere in the sound that He makes with the wind, but how in the hell should I know? Really….

I’m just trying to get past all that’s happened on my own, in my head or some shit..

See that?

….Do you see it?

That’s the man I married nearly ten totally-worth-it-years ago.. isn’t He fabulous? This is probably my favorite picture of all that I have of Him.. There aren’t many, really, that capture His light like this one does. It was always right there in the smile He usually wore just for me..

He turned 41 a couple of weeks ago. He probably went out and got tossed with His friends (or something just as equally out of character), I don’t know.. I wasn’t invited.

Nobody made him a chocolate cake.

No one brought presents but me.

I still have to wonder if he had a decent day..

But He’s a stranger… A stranger I am really and truly not jumping up and down to get to know any better..not lately anyway.. I’d never even dreamed that He would become such an ass in His old age..

He is.

I mean, if I hadn’t been standing just beyond the lens of this picture, I would almost swear to Jesus He’d been practicing..

Haven’s day

It’s Kelli day. Today marks 36 years since I lost my twin, and it’ll always be Kelli day for me..

But…

THIS Kelli day will be special.. As I try and find the words for how amazing it will be, the world around me is preparing for the birth of our first grand baby, Miss Haven Austyn Howell.

It’s like the world has been holding its breath while we all wait to meet her, and I look forward to seeing how very blessed we will be just to love her.

So while it will still be Kelli day next year and the year after, today will now be little Haven’s day as well. What a blessing..

Maybe we will smile instead of cry.. ❤️

No country for old men

Cooper, our 100lb bully.

He turned 7 this past September, though we’ve had him since he was about 10 weeks old. He’s a good boy, always has been.. I’d swear he was born crate trained and without an ugly bone in his giant body.

Last year he was hit by a car. Knocked him silly and tore his hip out of socket but he lived. Already in pain from a spinal fusion, we weren’t sure if he’d pull through it or not, but he did

Yesterday he took off with his female, Annabelle. I think every bit of trouble my Cooper has ever seen, he’s seen while trying his best to chase her tail..

LOL.

Annabelle was on the porch early this morning.

Cooper was not….