Lately it seems like every day becomes a rabbit hole. Deep and dark and lined with some shiny new opportunity to make new mistakes. Like I need to make any new mistakes. Damn. These last few weeks have been chalked full of them..
I don’t know what happened here. In the last 3 or 4 days while I’ve been trapped down the Rabbit Hole it looks to me like the whole world has come undone.. My home of homes has been immersed in undue chaos and it’s making me uncomfortable.. Ugh.
Somehow I’m expected to get past all thats happened on my own, inside my head or some shit. It leaves me wondering who my people are and where that’ll be when the darkness really comes to take me over..
Here I sit in the semi-light, alone but not alone, with pretty words like “vaginal trauma” and “sexual assault” sliding lazily through my head, and I can’t help wondering if I didn’t play my part in it all..
The way the whole thing went down.. did I ever say stop? It could have all been in my head for all I kow…. Any real protest, big or small, would have had to fight its way out of me. It’s my truth and I know this..
The Boogeyman taught me silence while I was still young enough to hold onto it, and in all my years I have yet to find the voice that reigns that part of me.. although I’ve tried.
So here I am, trying to listen like a child listens after it’s been beaten, when that child knows a lesson should be learned. It seems that God has been whispering softly to me for some time and I just cannot hear Him.
I have high hopes that I’ll find some great reason somewhere in the sound that He makes with the wind, but how in the hell should I know? Really….
I’m just trying to get past all that’s happened on my own, in my head or some shit..
….Do you see it?
That’s the man I married nearly ten totally-worth-it-years ago.. isn’t He fabulous? This is probably my favorite picture of all that I have of Him.. There aren’t many, really, that capture His light like this one does. It was always right there in the smile He usually wore just for me..
He turned 41 a couple of weeks ago. He probably went out and got tossed with His friends (or something just as equally out of character), I don’t know.. I wasn’t invited.
Nobody made him a chocolate cake.
No one brought presents but me.
I still have to wonder if he had a decent day..
But He’s a stranger… A stranger I am really and truly not jumping up and down to get to know any better..not lately anyway.. I’d never even dreamed that He would become such an ass in His old age..
I mean, if I hadn’t been standing just beyond the lens of this picture, I would almost swear to Jesus He’d been practicing..
Cooper, our 100lb bully.
He turned 7 this past September, though we’ve had him since he was about 10 weeks old. He’s a good boy, always has been.. I’d swear he was born crate trained and without an ugly bone in his giant body.
Last year he was hit by a car. Knocked him silly and tore his hip out of socket but he lived. Already in pain from a spinal fusion, we weren’t sure if he’d pull through it or not, but he did
Yesterday he took off with his female, Annabelle. I think every bit of trouble my Cooper has ever seen, he’s seen while trying his best to chase her tail..
Annabelle was on the porch early this morning.
Cooper was not….
I swear I’ll never understand…
I know I said I wouldn’t write anymore letters but I have no other way to get it out.. The love we have today leaves me so utterly confused that I’ve not got very little choice but to write something. If I don’t try and work things out inside my head I’ll just go crazy..
And that’s not fun.
You don’t see that we’ve gone wrong so you won’t try to make us better and I can’t. Not by myself. I don’t know how (believe me, if I did, we wouldn’t be where we are now) but I know that I’m not ready to stop trying.. I’m not ready to stop crying in frustration; I’m not ready to stop the hurt.. Stupid, I know, but it is what it is.. I’m not ready to give up. Period.
I don’t think you are either..
I mean, we’re still here aren’t we? We’re still fighting each other for something. If it didn’t matter I don’t think it would hurt like it does..
Anyway, I really really need to sleep a little more. I just got up to pee and got caught watching you dream..
Maybe you’re thinking about me too…..
I swear.. Couldn’t life just go a little smoother? If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Ahh, well, at least I can say I’ve learned a few things. Important things, even..
Be impressed. LOL.
First off (and I’m sure that most importantly) I’ve learned that I can’t put my trust in everyone I meet. I’m almost proud this took me 40 years to learn ’cause that just means I’ve been surrounded by good people all my life. This was a hard lesson for me, I think, because I’ve never been that girl. You know the one who lives for drama and gets into everything.. It’s simply never been my style and I’m good with that, for real.
I’ve also learned that even when I’ve known someone for years, I still don’t know them like I think I do at all. I have learned more about my husband than I did in like ten years, over the last few months since things have gone off track. Things that I wish I’d paid attention to so maybe I’d have known what was to come. I wouldn’t change a thing, don’t get me wrong, but I might be a little bit less tired.
Now last but least, well for tonight’s post anyway, I’ve learned a lot about myself and who I am. I’ve taken note of what I do and what I don’t want for my life, and I have gotten an idea of what I consider home..
I hope that’s good enough for now, because I don’t have time for more. The more I dwell on things the more they seem to suck. I am a firm believer in the truth that worry is like prayer; the time you give can change your outcome and maybe the way you fare..
Your days are yours, and only you can make them better than they are. If you’ll just do it, damnit. Do something worth doing while you’re there..