Screw It

You know, I used to sit around and dream about what my life would be like when I finally got where I was going.. What marriage and children and living would be all about.. I think most little girls are just like that, I guess.. but who knows? Not me, that’s for damn sure. I don’t rightly know much about anything nowadays, and I’m having a hard enough time working out my own dreams to stop and think seriously about anyone else’s.

Shitty, but it is what it is.

A year ago I’d have probably wondered if that last statement made me an asshole or not, but today I just really don’t care. Now that makes me an asshole.

O freaking well.

Nowadays I sit around and dream about what my life will be like when I finally get where I’m going.. When my kids are all grown and the man that I’ve stood by has gone..

Will it all come together somewhere down that invisible line we spend most of our lives toeing in an effort to live long and prosper?

Again, who even knows?

I just want to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted really.. Someone to spend my old lady years with; who will love me and maybe not laugh at my jokes, but take notice of me in any case.. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of walking on eggshells when I should be dancing on air. I’m tired of being alone..

Advertisements

No country for old men

Cooper, our 100lb bully.

He turned 7 this past September, though we’ve had him since he was about 10 weeks old. He’s a good boy, always has been.. I’d swear he was born crate trained and without an ugly bone in his giant body.

Last year he was hit by a car. Knocked him silly and tore his hip out of socket but he lived. Already in pain from a spinal fusion, we weren’t sure if he’d pull through it or not, but he did

Yesterday he took off with his female, Annabelle. I think every bit of trouble my Cooper has ever seen, he’s seen while trying his best to chase her tail..

LOL.

Annabelle was on the porch early this morning.

Cooper was not….

Whispers in the Night

I think that God is talking to me. I can hear Him whispering.. I just can’t make out what He’s saying though I’ve tried.

I keep thinking back over what’s happened; the sickness, the fire, the past couple years – it’s all crazy and grossly unclear.. and I’ve had these moments where I’ve felt so alone, but I see it now – He’s been right here..

And now this..

What’s He telling me?

I must be missing something pretty damn big for Him to riddle me with bullets like He’s been. I don’t know what to think about the way things are here anymore, but I don’t like it and I’d like to go home now.

It’s like no matter how much or how hard I can try, nothing ever works out anymore. Things can be better than ever and still there’s a hitch to it all..

What did I do? Am I being punished for something? ‘Cause I just do not understand… I mean, everything seemed so damn perfect but now it’s all gone..

My whole life is gone…