Maybe

I wonder if there’s someday 

I might be the only one

You might need to make you happy

If that someday ever comes.

Don’t you know that I’m the one who

Has never gone astray

And that my heart is yours

Even when you’re far away..  

(Not my best work……)

🤷🏻‍♀️

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Haven’s day

It’s Kelli day. Today marks 36 years since I lost my twin, and it’ll always be Kelli day for me..

But…

THIS Kelli day will be special.. As I try and find the words for how amazing it will be, the world around me is preparing for the birth of our first grand baby, Miss Haven Austyn Howell.

It’s like the world has been holding its breath while we all wait to meet her, and I look forward to seeing how very blessed we will be just to love her.

So while it will still be Kelli day next year and the year after, today will now be little Haven’s day as well. What a blessing..

Maybe we will smile instead of cry.. ❤️

Whispers in the Night

I think that God is talking to me. I can hear Him whispering.. I just can’t make out what He’s saying though I’ve tried.

I keep thinking back over what’s happened; the sickness, the fire, the past couple years – it’s all crazy and grossly unclear.. and I’ve had these moments where I’ve felt so alone, but I see it now – He’s been right here..

And now this..

What’s He telling me?

I must be missing something pretty damn big for Him to riddle me with bullets like He’s been. I don’t know what to think about the way things are here anymore, but I don’t like it and I’d like to go home now.

It’s like no matter how much or how hard I can try, nothing ever works out anymore. Things can be better than ever and still there’s a hitch to it all..

What did I do? Am I being punished for something? ‘Cause I just do not understand… I mean, everything seemed so damn perfect but now it’s all gone..

My whole life is gone…

No Sleep Til..

Insomnia has somehow become the story of my life. While my family sleeps I get lost in my own little world. Not doing anything, really. Reading or writing or just messing around… You know, all the little things I don’t often get to do while my girls are awake or my husband is home. I wish I could play my guitar at this hour, but Gracie would hear me and never go back to bed. Sometimes she lets me play in the afternoons, but not often. She wants to help, I think, or maybe join in.. I’m not sure but she makes it impossible to play anything. I would take it to work with me but then I wouldn’t be working, now would I?

Quality problems, as my daddy would say. If that’s all I’ve got to bitch about, well I must not be doing too badly. At least I don’t require an exorbitant amount of sleep to achieve functionality these days. I haven’t slept a full night through since we brought Miss Gracie home from the hospital, though I’m starting to feel like it might just be time to slow down.

Maybe I’m getting old.. Maybe I’m just freaking tired.. Maybe the sound of her dreams as they whisper her nonsense will keep me alive in the same way the sound of her breathing has kept me so calm.. 

And so I listen. To her breathing. To her laughter. To the endlessly nonsensical song she’s got stuck in her head ’cause she just wants to dance..  

I’m starting to feel old inside and I’m not sure I like it. I’ve been exhausted for so long that I can’t sleep. My hands hurt and go numb while I’m driving or brushing my hair or just standing. Hell, most of the time I have problems with picking up Gracie, she’s gotten so big. I can’t go a whole day without losing my breath and it sucks but it is what it is. 

I’m alive so I’ll take it. 

There are stories in all of my wrinkles, and secrets in every grey hair. Every callous and stretch mark, freckle and scar tell a story of its own from my time here on Earth. There is good and there’s bad and such vast in-between to be found in the years that I’ve lived, and each one has been worth it so I won’t complain. 

Today is my thirty ninth birthday. It seems like the years have begun to fly by. If I’d known that my life would turn out like it has I’d have probably taken more time to enjoy all the little stuff I can’t remember.. But I still have cause to be thankful and lessons to learn. I’ve got dreams that I’ve yet to fulfill but I also have time. I’ll get there someday, and for now I guess that’s enough…

❤️

Amber Nichole Leeg 

 

🌛 For These Moments 🌜

This has been one hell of a year.. 

Makayla exchanged her glasses and braces for cleavage and eye liner and all-day-long-selfies, she failed her first class and officially became a teenager. She’s begun making choices and wizening up and I’m proud of the tomorrow’s it looks like she’s chosen. 

Autumn Michelle turned 18, got a nursing job, graduated high school, had another cancer scare – and then another miracle, moved out, started college and impressed her whole world. It all happened so fast that the “blink of an eye” part came later and haven’t quite caught my breath even now..

Maddison got her license and a job and her first car (last year, actually) then started birth control,  moved out and kinda sorta lost her way.. Lost a boy that mattered, found another, had a pretty major surgery but came out of it on top. 

Colton grew six inches overnight and stopped talking to us for the most part; we have yet to figure out exactly why but can’t help holding onto the hope that he might come around. 

Jake seems like he’s turned into a good man nowadays. He works hard and lives right and comes around often enough to make his daddy smile. 

Gracie, well Gracie turned into a little girl this year, as opposed to the baby she’s been all these years. At 7 years old she is already tall and has both her front teeth and an attitude. 

Yea.. you could say things have changed some this year..

This year we’ve grown. As a family, as individuals, as the people we were meant to be at this time in our lives. 

And I am thankful.. 

I am thankful for the bad times just as much as for the good. I am thankful for the moments of love and of laughter and of hurt (a lot of hurt..) and for the pride that overwhelms me when I look back through my days. Although it wasn’t how I’d planned it, I am thankful for the way it all played out. 

I am thankful for the little things, like really good books and how my dog is always happy to see me. For amazing summer sunsets when there’s fire in the sky; and for the dark and rainy days, because they always make me think of Winnie the Pooh and his balloon..

I am thankful for the few great people I can proudly call my friends, and that my family is just a call away.

I am thankful for my husband and for knowing that he still gets out of bed and chooses to love me every single day. I have been blessed with this life and I am thankful.. 

What the F*$# ‘Merica?!

It’s only been about five hours since I stood laughing in the kitchen with my thirteen year old daughter. She’d asked me if I’d voted and I responded with some snarky comment about while I know it’s time we break things off with Obama, I thought our country as a whole would be a good bit better off to take a year or two and decide what it is we really want before leaping blindly into another bad relationship.. She rolled her eyes and smiled but it took her a couple of seconds to decide if I was being serious or not. 

I was, and she knew it. Even at thirteen she saw it lying there in a pool of sarcasm. The tiny seed of truth that I’d just planted already had roots.

I gave her a minute to think and then winked at her and said “never forget that politics, for the most part, is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. We just elected Donald freaking Trump as our next president.. Tomorrow half the country will wake up with second thoughts..”

Good night people. I hope it was worth it.

(Not to say that voting for Hillary would have turned out any better.. Although I do find the idea of seating her behind the same desk that Miss Lewinsky once sat under somewhat amusing.. 🗽