I’m getting divorced.
There’s no apologizing. There’s no going back. There’s no question anymore about who’s wrong or who’s right or who made the biggest mistake.
It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t look at me and see the woman he married, and I can’t fix that for him. He doesn’t love me and I don’t like him and it can’t make it better anymore.
Hell, the longer it stays this way, the less I want to make it better.
The last few months have really shown me who he is and I am floored by how far off I’ve always been. Maybe this is how he treats a stranger. Maybe this is how he treats an enemy or somebody he doesn’t like.. I don’t know.
But this isn’t how he’s ever trearted me. Something changed some years ago and it was like he just suddenly became somebody else.
But now I know…
My Husband has a Girlfriend in the very literal sense.. She’s 32 and she’s beautiful and she lives less than a quarter mile from my new place.
I hate everything.
I think maybe I should be dying.. that my entire existence could be lost in the morning, and I’ve got no clue how to fix it. Things are.. not right somehow. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it’s something… My whole world feels like an Alfred Hitchcock movie..
Today is a Sunday. A new day. A fresh start and a blue sky and another chance to be more.
What will I do with it?
My life these days is beyond my control, and theres not a whole lot I can do.. My husband has left me, my phone is shut off, and I’m angry. I am angry with God for allowing my soul to be broken; it’s all so unfair.. I’m not sure if I’ve earned this much solid regret and I hate it. Hell, nowadays I pretty much hate everything. It hurts.
I mean damn, if I lived another lifetime i would still not understand what the fuck happened to the way things used to be. How does one person live through losing so much love? It seems like anyone who’s loved me, even just for a short while, finds a way to take a chunk out of my soul.
I want it back. Every peice. All the tiny blood soaked shards of what’s been left.. Is that too much for me to ask? That some small piece of me is left alone and left behind so I can heal? I honestly don’t think it is. I mean, I get that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle with Him, but I’d appreciate it if maybe He didn’t trust me quite so much..
I don’t want to be strong anymore.
I don’t want to be the one with all of the experience and all of the answers.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
There was a moment when I could have changed things.. when I could have had a say so in how everything turned out.. I saw it while it neared me, and I watched as it passed by, and I will never ever love myself again..
I’m too old for this shit.
And I’m over it.