Screw It

You know, I used to sit around and dream about what my life would be like when I finally got where I was going.. What marriage and children and living would be all about.. I think most little girls are just like that, I guess.. but who knows? Not me, that’s for damn sure. I don’t rightly know much about anything nowadays, and I’m having a hard enough time working out my own dreams to stop and think seriously about anyone else’s.

Shitty, but it is what it is.

A year ago I’d have probably wondered if that last statement made me an asshole or not, but today I just really don’t care. Now that makes me an asshole.

O freaking well.

Nowadays I sit around and dream about what my life will be like when I finally get where I’m going.. When my kids are all grown and the man that I’ve stood by has gone..

Will it all come together somewhere down that invisible line we spend most of our lives toeing in an effort to live long and prosper?

Again, who even knows?

I just want to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted really.. Someone to spend my old lady years with; who will love me and maybe not laugh at my jokes, but take notice of me in any case.. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of walking on eggshells when I should be dancing on air. I’m tired of being alone..

April 10, 2019

SHARE YOUR WORLD

Questions –

• What does a good relationship look like to you?

Having love and trust and, during times of happiness or conflict, a best friend.

• If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for?

Probably crying. Or cleaning. I’m pretty good at that too.

• What do you wish you knew more about?

At this point in my life, I’d have to say The Bible.

• What is better in your opinion – asking for forgiveness or permission?

I’m not sure there’s really a good answer for this. Both suck.

• What’s the best thing about your life right now?

Right now I’d have to say that the best thing my life has got going is hope. For the first time in a decade there is honest to God hope that my little girl will finally walk.

Unsent Letters • 03.09.2019

My Love,

Today, like so many other days, I spent a few too many moments thinking of you. Wondering instead of asking if you and I were on the same page. I do that a lot, you know. Too much, I imagine..

But hey, it is what it is.

I guess after having had so much time left on my own with my thoughts I’ve just stopped talking when I’m feeling insecure.. I’m surprised sometimes at how long it took me to get to this point, but I’m here now.

And so I write.

Maybe a month ago I stood here in my kitchen with one of our girls; we were talking about a boy and how he made her feel. I told my daughter that one of the biggest mistakes she could possibly make was to allow herself to be half-loved. Especially by herself. . I told her, and I meant it, that she already knew.. that in her heart of hearts the answer would be there.

I reckon I ought to actually take my own advice now and again. Not that I honestly believe it will matter in the long run.. I am nearing the conclusion that I’m simply not worth more than I’ve been given. Maybe as people, we’re given predetermined life-blessings (or something?) and I used mine all up in younger years…

Aside from the moments that torment me now, I have always been blessed with a happiness that came from my own self somehow… if that makes any sense. I didn’t really need anyone or anything else to make the sun rise every day.. it was within me.

I wish I knew where it went..

Well, I think I’m gonna have to leave these thoughts somewhat unfinished. I can’t remember anymore where I was going with them now.. and so I’m done, just for today..

– A

(Finished March 12, 2019)