For the Rest of My Life

When I told Him that I loved Him I didn’t mean to say I loved Him for His face or His hair or His smile.

I didn’t mean I loved Him for the way He laughed or how He kissed..

I didn’t mean I loved His voice…

I love you is not a question. It’s not a statement or crutch or what you say just to get by.

I love you is not a pick up line.

Love is patient love is kind.

Love will bite you in the ass if you’re not careful.

I love you.

For the rest of my life, I love you..

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What else..

I don’t know anymore… I don’t think I am strong enough… I think I’ve died just a little and now I have to breathe the little strength I have left into whatever comes next…

But I cant.

I just can’t seem to make myself do what needs to be done now.

I don’t want to untangle your life from my own. I don’t want to wake up without you every morning. Or go to bed without the feel of you there. I don’t want to see you out somewhere and have you ignore me.. but you will..

I don’t want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce. And while I guess you’re probably right, I went looking for something. I’m not sure what that is just yet, but I can promise you this – I wasn’t looking to get laid, My Love, I was looking to get noticed.

A Thin Line

My Love,

I’ve always thought there was a very fine line between loving someone and hating them. That it takes as much time and energy to do one as it does to do the other.. Yesterday I thought I might have found that line.. Today I know I did.

Right now, in this moment, exactly a month ago, you woke me up and held our daughter while you told me to leave. You said our marriage was over and I don’t have a choice and to figure it out.

And for what?

Because I wanted to have friends… I haven’t been “allowed” to have friends in a couple of years now and so I lied about it…

I’m a liar. What can I say? I guess you’ve definitely got me on that one. But its like you said, everybody needs friends. Right? So why is it that I “have a journal, and that should be enough”?

How is that even fair? The easy answer is that its not. It’s not fair at all.

The fuzzy, almost-complicated answer is that I wouldn’t have really truly needed friends if I’d just had you. Because isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be about? You stood up in front of God and all His people and swore an oath to be my Person. In every way. You freaking promised.

It took you what? 6 years?

But I’m the liar.

Right.

– A

10,000 years

You know, to read back through the last couple of years of “unsent” posts, one might imagine that I’d have been ready for all this shit. I assure you, in all my wildest dreams, I am not. I guess I could be, and I know I should be, but damn.. I’m not ready for this.

I don’t want a divorce.

I don’t have a choice.

I don’t want to keep going anymore..