Unsent Letters • 10.20.2018

I am dating this letter because it might be a minute before it gets posted and Im not sure when it will be finished..

My Love,

I believe this will be the last letter I write.

No more greeting cards or post-its or sweet nothings scribbled quickly into a piece of scrap paper left laying around the house for you to find and pick up but not acknowledge. Why keep pouring myself on the ground so I can keep getting stepped on? I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt, and I’m tired of being angry.

If you don’t care, then why should I?

You’re a good man, Dratton. You’ve been a good husband and a good provider and a good father when you have chosen to be, but you haven’t been a very good friend.. Not to me, anyway.. and you have no desire to become one, though you should. I mean, Hell, you promised. You stood there next to me in front of God and all of His people and you promised to be my Person.

Simply put, you lied. Obviously, hopefully, not a purposeful thing, but the proof is in the every day living of our life.

To say these things and mean them honestly hurts me more than I care to admit. To say these things and know they’re true is breaking my heart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Just tell me.. what do I do? I’m not thinking very clearly and I’m not sure I can find my way back home… Hell, I’m lost even when I’m going the right way nowadays, and I’m scared.

Scared to keep going..

Scared to just quit..

Scared of everything..

Mostly though, I’m scared that I will make the wrong choice. There’s no going back and starting over with you.. You see everything as being so completely clear cut. It’s either black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.. So if and/or when I decide to jump off the proverbial cliff, I had better be sure.

And I’m not.

But hey, it’s all about choices, y’know? It’s taken me a lifetime to figure it out but I finally get it.

My choices are my own and I choose to be happy. Even if it means being happy alone.

I wish things weren’t so screwed up. I wish you knew how I felt and that it made a difference. We’re so busy playing house these days, there’s no time to get back to the here and now, but I’m trying. I really am.. and this shit is hard. Really hard..

I’d never imagined it would come to this and I’m horribly unprepared. I don’t know that I can be picked up off the floor and brushed off this time..

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. And I will love you tomorrow.

-A

😔

finished 10.27.2018

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