I’m not sure how things’ll turn out anymore. There’s just no way I can predict what I don’t know. I mean the way things are going, he might just up and decide not to like me tomorrow, who knows.. He’s so distant these days and nothing seems to help anymore and he won’t tell me what he wants because well, why? I’m s’posed to figure it out? or maybe already know? ’cause I’m a mind reader, you know, and I’m not trying.. 😒 Whatever.. I just can’t win. Nothing I do is up to par anymore. He’s just unhappy with me and I’m supposed to know why.
He doesn’t talk very often, especially at home. He comes in and sits down with his phone. Hell, I’ve had full conversations with the side of his face while he answers but never looks up.. Maybe one or two glances my way and a few drawn out yea’s when I pause.. enough to make him feel like he’s trying, I guess, but he’s not. I’m not that dumb, or that desperate for his attention anymore..He makes me feel small sometimes.. On the inside, I mean, and whether it’s intentional or not – that shit hurts. Not to mention the fact that I’ll be forty next march and am officially starting menopause (which, by the way, just so happens to be the worst damn thing to have happened to me yet!) and I’m literally trying so hard not to spontaneously combust that I can’t freaking think. Hell, I can’t remember what i wanted by the time I get to my refridgerator half the time! And I’m an eater.. Which makes that a holy travesty. Regardless of what my momma tells me, I’m not entirely sure I’ll survive.
What I do know is that WE aren’t gonna make it if I have to walk this path by myself. I mean, if I have do everything all on my own then what the hell am I doing here anyway?