I used to think I belonged here. Like I was destined for this moment right here, right now. What a foolish concept. A pipe dream born of idiocy and yearning for the picture in my head of what should have been.. If only I’d listened to the voice of my husband.. Ever the constant cynic, (espescially when it comes to his ex wife and children), I’m always trying to look above and beyond the world as he sees it.. I wasn’t made for dragging so much hate-filled baggage around with me and I refuse. I’ve got enough going on without putting someone else’s bullshit before my own.. What a joke.. I’m too friggin old for all this.
What I need to do is find some sort of balance. The problem is I’m not even sure it exists anymore. I mean, how on earth are we supposed to stand on common ground with all this water under the bridge? Where do we meet when there is no middle?
How should I know? And why the hell should I care? I’ve been trying to keep the peace for way too long and it’s not working. I’ve given everything I could, and for a lot longer than I should have, and still it’s been for nothing. Nothing! This is a war that simply cannot be won without bloodshed and I’m simply not willing to go that far. I’m just not..
And so, with the coming of the new year, I find somewhat appropriate to be thinking about the days ahead.. Sadly enough, finding my place may end up having more to do with finding my heart than anything else..