A Letter 

August 21, 2016

To My Autumn Michelle, 
I’m dating this letter because I don’t know when I’ll finish it and I don’t want to forget where I began.. It’s been four days since you were here, and aside from a couple of meaningless texts we haven’t spoken at all. You probably think I’ll call you when I’m done being mad and so you’re waiting.. I hate to say it, but you’ll be waiting a while.. I can’t do it. I can’t keep going the way we’ve been. I don’t know who you are or how to talk to you anymore and I’m tired… 

Still, there are some things I need to say and I’m just going to say them..

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was mad. Not necessarily for WHAT I said, but for HOW I said it. I won’t apologize for having feelings. 

I’m sorry for making you feel like you were ever not enough. You’ve always been so much more than I had ever dared to dream.

I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could trust me when it really mattered.

I’m sorry for making you grow up so very young, though that should show you who it was that ever really had my back.

I’m sorry you were so unhappy here..

Thank you for always being someone I could be proud of, I’ve never doubted that you would be amazing.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Lord knows you probably should have more than once.

Thank you for just being you most of the time… That was all you’ve ever needed to be..

I want you to know that I’m always proud of you. Of your strength and of your determination and of the way you keep going no matter what. You’ve always been an old soul, as your Nana would say, and you’ll go far in life, no doubt. 

I wish I could fix what’s been broken between us, but I don’t even know where to start.. What I do know, is that I don’t want to do this with you. I just can’t seem to get it right no matter what I do, and so I’m thinking it might be time for me to take a step back. I don’t think you have any idea how bad that sucks for me but I don’t know what else to do. I miss you more than you could ever imagine, and I have for a long time..

The other day when you left for Alabama I was really hurt. I know I didn’t marry your dad but I still love his family. Kelly was my connection to the Hartman’s too.. I had my own relationship with her and I’ll miss her. Maybe I could have handled the whole thing better, and I’m sorry for that, but I was just so blindsided by the way you did a total 180 out of nowhere. One minute you didn’t really want to go at all, and the next you were practically running out the door. I’m so sorry Gracie wanted to be with you more than she wanted a nap. I felt like I actually had to spank her so she would leave you alone and it really bothers me. I shouldn’t have to apologize or make excuses for how she feels. You’ve been a constant every day of her life and she doesn’t understand why you’re gone. She only knows you promised to come see her sometimes. She cries for you often and I can’t help it. It is what it is.

I don’t know where you and I fell apart and I’m not sure I know how to fix it. You’re right, you’ve been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t want to see it. I did the best I knew how.. And for that reason, and so many more, it’s time that I let go…. I hope I taught you enough about life, and that you’re not too proud to ask for help when you need it. I heard you loud and clear when you said that you won’t be calling me for anything so I hope you have someone. Thanks for listening. I will always love you (a million red m&m’s)

Mom

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