I want to tell you

Hey you –

I wanted to tell you I miss you with no subtext. No guilt, no anger, no expectation that you’ll fix it. I don’t want you to feel bad or to tell me it will get better. This is where we need to be right now – me apart from you, my hands a little empty and my heart a little sad. I just miss you. And I just wanted you know.

– A

Talk to me

Should we talk about the weather, or the storm clouds in your eyes? Should we talk about the way you make me feel deep down inside? I think that maybe we should talk about where we want this to go, ’cause if we aren’t on the same page I would kinda like to know.. Or maybe we can sit and talk about the way it used to be, when all I had to do was breathe and you saw nothing else but me. I never really had to try for you, ’cause things were just that way.. but nowadays I’d like to smile and have you not turn away. I can’t pretend I understand it, but I’ve seen this road before.. the place it takes me leaves me hopeless and more broken than before..

-A

What’s Happened

Lately it seems like every day becomes a rabbit hole. Deep and dark and lined with some shiny opportunity to make new mistakes. Like I need to make any new mistakes. Damn. These last few weeks have been chalked full of them..

I don’t know what happened here. In the last 3 or 4 days while I’ve been trapped down the Rabbit Hole it looks to me like the whole world has come undone.. My home of homes has been immersed in undue chaos and it’s making me uncomfortable.. Ugh.

Somehow I’m expected to get past all thats happened on my own, inside my head or some shit. It leaves me wondering who my people are and where they will be when the darkness really comes to take me over..

Here I sit in the semi-light, alone but not alone, with pretty words like “vaginal trauma” and “sexual assault” sliding lazily through my head, and I can’t help wondering if I didn’t play my part in it all..

The way the whole thing went down.. did I ever say stop? It could have all been in my head for all I kow…. Any real protest, big or small, would have had to fight its way out of me. It’s my truth and I know this..

The Boogeyman taught me silence while I was still young enough to hold onto it, and in all my years I have yet to find the voice that reigns that part of me.. although I’ve tried.

So here I am, trying to listen like a child listens after it’s been beaten, when that child knows a lesson should be learned. It seems that God has been whispering softly to me for some time and I just cannot hear Him.

I have high hopes that I’ll find some great reason somewhere in the sound that He makes with the wind, but how in the hell should I know? Really….

I’m just trying to get past all that’s happened on my own, in my head or some shit..

Back in the Saddle

A couple of weeks ago, my very best friend decided to introduce me.. 
After more than a decade off the market, I felt clumsy and unsure.. but then  I reckon we all have to start over sometime.

And so I met him. I listened. I smiled. I  genuinely put myself out there as best as I could. I think maybe he liked me; I can be beautiful when I wanna be, and I know it.He was nice. Short for my taste, and a little quiet, but he was covered in ink so there was obviously some Bad Boy in there somewhere. After being in church for a decade (metaphorically speaking), I have to admit, I was intrigued.

We set up a date – dinner and the casino – for the coming Friday night and parted ways. We talked on the phone a good bit over the next few days, and when Friday night came I was ready. We’d long since talked ourselves out of the casino by then, but still, I was ready to find out what there was to find out.Soooo… Come Friday night we’d seen each other a couple of times, and had pretty much already decided to like each other. It was kind of an easy like; one of those effortless, slide right on in there situations that you hear about but don’t really see.. I have to admit that I honestly enjoyed the man’s company..

Now. Let’s talk about sex.

I’m not a rookie, by any standard. I haven’t had very many partners, and I  honestly dislike porn, but Im really adventurous and I have some pretty decent experience…..

But this guy? This guy guy had things in his bathroom that I’ve never even seen on TV, and we’ll, needless to say, I was tripping just a little bit.. Not enough to take off towards home in any case, but I have got to admit I heard alarm bells in the distance..

After a couple deep breaths and a pointed conversation, I’m too glad to say it all worked out, and now here we all are, just a few minutes more than a month, and I’m really glad I didn’t bail. The man is polite and considerate and he helps out around the house. Gracie freaking loves him and he’s great with her, and I’m not sure what more I could honestly ask for right now.

For the most part, I reckon I actually lucked out.

Still paddling the old canoe…
      -A