I’m the Asshole

It’s been 60 days since we filed for divorce.

It’s been almost 4 months since we left.

I wake up some mornings and still can’t believe that you’re gone..

I should feel something by now, besides empty I think, yet I don’t. I don’t know how I should feel.. Even now I don’t much really feel anything else but regret.

And this pain. I don’t see this pain going anywhere anytime soon..

You see, it turns out I’m the Asshole. I’m the one..

When I started this blog I needed an outlet, a place to put the things I thought and felt and couldn’t see so I could go about my life with some control…

Rewind a few years..

When Grace was 6 we did genetics testing. When the results came back with no chromosomal mutations, the neurologist sat us down and told us they were wrong. Gracie would live a much longer life than he’s anticipated. She was happy and healthy and well taken care of and wasnt this the best news we could have possibly gotten?


We’d never dreamed such a thing would happen.. It was amazing. It was terrifying. It was a really big deal.

My first thought was that this could only be a miracle.. My second was that I would have to move home where I might have help. And then I freaked out.

I suddenly had this awful, distorted view of what was coming.. body hair and maxi pads and puberty..

Yep, I freaked out. I shut down.

Dratton started working more and talkng less, and I was just left there on my own.. he couldn’t handle the truth of it and so he bailed.

Over the next few years I saw less and less of my husband. We started arguing more and spent less and less time together. The older girls moved out and our house became silent and the life that we once had was all but gone.

The little details between then and now really don’t matter anymore, so I wont bore you with my day to day trials..

Last week, mid-sentence in an angry text message, it hit me.

My reaction was OMG this is forever.. its not fair.

His reaction was OMG I can’t take care of her forever.

So he went to work. He worked hard. He worked until he hurt every day. He never complained. He never threw a tantrum. He never shed a tear.

In four years not once did it occur to me that he was afraid.

In four years I never asked him if he was ok…

We got a divorce because we couldn’t talk to each other, but beneath it all… ?

I am the asshole.

(An unedited version)

Advertisements

See that?

….Do you see it?

That’s the man I married nearly ten totally-worth-it-years ago.. isn’t He fabulous? This is probably my favorite picture of all that I have of Him.. There aren’t many, really, that capture His light like this one does. It was always right there in the smile He usually wore just for me..

He turned 41 a couple of weeks ago. He probably went out and got tossed with His friends (or something jst as equally out of character), I don’t know.. I wasn’t invited.

Nobody made him a chocolate cake.

No one brought presents but me.

I still have to wonder if he had a decent day..

But He’s a stranger… A stranger I am really and truly not jumping up and down to get to know any better..not lately anyway.. I’d never even dreamed that He would become such an ass in His old age..

He is.

I mean, if I hadn’t been standing just beyond the lens of this picture, I would almost swear to Jesus He’d been practicing..

Finished

I give up.

Just to think about spendng my days without you breaks my heart and I almost can’t breathe, and I hate it, but there is no better choice. I’m in a thousand tiny pieces and it’s only getting worse for me with time… The time they say is supposed to heal. The time and space I’m supposed to need..

I think it’s time that maybe I should stop and think a little bit ’bout what it’s costing me to be here.. My sanity is hanging by a thread and I am barely holding on and I cant take it….

I’ll die.

To make matters worse I have apparently alienated the one friend I’ve managed to hang onto through it all.

I am so angry at everything and everyone that it’s suffocating me..

I am so very alone….

I am so very broken….